No News, If You Know Where Not To Look...

As you'd expect for a Monday sandwiched bewixt a bunch of fucking dull international games, there's nothing really going on. Unless you believe the utter hyperbolic shite that several other blogs are printing as gospel. I've stopped smoking this morning, so prepare yourselves for a fucking avalanche of vituperative vitriol all you shitty spinster sites out there.

I'll begin with "Arsenal forward close to exit," by some shithouse site called Soccervoice. Normally I'd post links, but becasue they're devoid of any meaningful content I'm not going to bother. Predictably, this non-story, which contains no quotes (although they do credit the BBC before spinning it beyond all recognition) refers to Nicklas Bendtner's quotes from several days ago in which he clearly said that if he doesn't make it into the Arsenal first team he will consider leaving. A figure of two years was mentioned by the player himself. Is he "close to an exit?" Yes, he probably is twice a day, before and after training. Fuck off Soccervoice.

Several tosspieces have linked us with Lyon midfielder Hatem Ben Arfa on the irrefutable evidence that he ticks three vital boxes: he's French, he scored for France and ARSENE WENGER WATCHED HIM ON SATURDAY. Well, there we go then. Why else would Wenger be there? I mean it's not like he ever shows any interest in his national side, nor does he ever do any punditry for the French media. Oh, wait a minute, he does. Fuck off.

Tribalfootball, basically the site that collects the flies that clamour around shit and then releases them back in your face, offered shattering insight into Augusto Fernandez's impending transfer to Arsenal from River Plate with this quite remarkable story:

"Fernandez has been likened to Barcelona's Argentine star Lionel Messi and has impressed Gunners boss Arsene Wenger."

That was it, seriously. Fuck off Tribalfootball.

"Arsenal in race for new Ronaldo" was another of my favourites this morning. It refers to the now week-old nothing link between ourselves and Sporting Lisbon's Miguel Veloso. Spot the glaring issues with this one? Veloso is a central midfielder, whereas Ronaldo is a winger. Have we actually been inked with him? His agent (!) referred to an English club almost reaching his buy-out clause- must've been us then as we're clearly short of a central midfielder or two. Fuck off "all3points" you shitheap.

The final one is my favourite though. It would seem that some gooner somewhere has sprinkled some rumour regarding our floundering rivals' Adel Taarabt into the mix, hoping that the more moronic bunch (see above) would go for it. Sportingo, despite asserting a couple of times that they had severe doubts about the story (and of course, no quotes or primary evidence to speak of), promptly made it their leading piece for the morning. Fuck off Sportingo.

There was actually some proper news amidst the shit-peddling, with Jens Lehmann confirming his availability after his "flawless" game for Germany on saturday. A fully fit and fired-up Jens is a terrifically good goalkeeper- should be intriguing to see who's fielded on Saturday against Bolton.

Internationals A No-Go.

So we're halfway there- not long now until proper football again. Eduardo notched his now obligatory international goal to make his tally forty goals in twelve games (may not be correct) to give his Croatia side a 1-0 win over Israel. France battered the Faroe Island 6-0 with signing of the season Le Sagna playing the full ninety, while Lassana Diarra came on for fifteen minutes and Gallas stayed on the bench. Alex Hleb's Belarus side slumped to a 1-0 defeat at home to Luxembourg. Poor Alex. "Despite currently suffering from an injury (yes Arsenal.com, please drop the act now)," Jens Lehmann miraculously managed ninety minutes for Germany during their goalless draw with Ireland. Cue more tedious speculation next week. Our vested interest in Spain's impressive 3-1 victory in Denmark was due to Cesc playing eighty minutes and Nicklas Bendtner coming on for the second half. Gilberto's Brazil take on Colombia today, while Swiss Tony and Swiss Bould continued their central defensive partnership for Switzerland as they beat their Euro 2008 co-hosts Austria 3-1.

Meanwhile Thierry Henry talks at length about the effect of his departure in the Telegraph. I found the comments about his goal celebrations particularly interesting- it was always so tiresome when people somewhat xenophobically dismissed him as moody and arrogant. The fact is he was always a perfectionist and never happy with himself, probably what made him the perfect footballer to watch. A comprehensive interview and well worth a read- it's good to see him finally starting to hit form after his hat-trick against Levante the other week. Some news about the upcoming AGM on thursday, with hyperbolic terms like SHOWDOWN and MASSACRE being banded about (perhaps not the latter). Hill-Wood seems to be rather desperately backtracking and brown-nosing with Stan Kroenke, now Usmanov is inching nearer to the share amount he needs by DISGUSTINGLY buying shares off the deceased. All very dull, hopefully Stan the man will get on board, the lockdown will be extended to a decade and that's the end of it. After all with the recent financial reports it's clear we don't need a minted benefactor. Right that's it. Only a week to go...

Agent Talk.

The last couple of days have been rife with all sorts of speculative bollocks, all spawned by classic bit of agent talk. Nothing else to say really, we all know Cesc is going back to his home club at some point in the future and that's fair enough. We could all do with agents shutting the fuck up and drowning themselves but they have a job to do, blah blah piss. Better news saw Togo blow it in the ANC qualifiers, which means that Emmanuel Adebayor won't be leaving us next year. Get in.

Little or nothing else of any note as we prepare ourselves for another ninety minutes of dross that is the England international. Here's hoping that none of our lads pick up injuries tonight- read on for a match report.

Big-Tit Chip Shop Rubbish.

Not much on this morning- although the headline "Dropping Robinson would destroy him and cause terrible damage" was a good one. Of that there's no doubt- dropping such chip-shop rubbish as Robinson would practically level the entire southern hemisphere. Don't do it McClaren. In fact possibly the only element of enjoyment I derive from England matches is at the goalkeeper's expense; watching him flounder around in goal like a positionally-deficient walrus. On the subject of walruses, Sam Allardyce is a cocksocket.

Meanwhile Billy G talks up France's chances, but more interestingly sheds some insight on his cock injury:

"I am ready. I have been training all week and physically I feel fine. I will be ready on Saturday if the manager wants me. He will decide whether or not to pick me but in my head I'm already on the park. "

So expect our friend Everbody Loves Raymond Domenech to miraculously play him for 300 minutes, resulting in complete castration.

Continuing the North London comedy goalkeeping routine Jens Lehmann talks of his omission from the team, and the effect it had on him last time. While Manuel has been solid so far, he was culpable for Sunderland's second goal at the weekend and Mad Jens certainly responded to being dropped in some style before. Should be intriguing to see where Fabianski comes into the equation, after looking good against Newcastle in the Carling Cup.

The Fabregas talks up our strike force and commends them on replacing Henry, and also has some words of encouragement for Eduardo, who will surely play an important part when the African Nations Cup comes around (assuming Togo qualify). Our boss elaborates on his meticulous attention to detail by revealing his "addiction" to statistics, and finally if you want a good giggle then have a look at the wonderful knee-jerk reaction to nothing speculation from the wonderfully named "West Ham Till I Die (what an affliction that is)." Loving the obligatory Robinson dig mind. Enjoy the sublime sedative that is the England match tomorrow- to exacerbate things further and to give you something more entertaining to think about, here's my report on our recent derby win.

In Lehmann's Terms- Finished?

A bit of transfer speculation this morning (quelle surprise), and it involves our madcap goalkeeper Jens Lehmann. The Sun claims that Eriksson wants Lehmann for his Man. City side, despite not having any quotes whatsoever and making the assumption that because he's being forced to play Kasper Schmeichel and Joe Hart, he needs an experienced goalkeeper. However tenuous the links may be, it does seem that Jens is being frozen out. Self-soliciting tosspiece Myles Palmer adds his two-bob in typical fashion, claiming that Lehmann "is an angry man who seems to have lost all sense of sporting decency." Fair enough, but then he goes on to state his affection for the keeper, before reverting to type and discussing his shattering foresight on something or other. I couldn't help but be reminded of Alan Partridge's doomed meeting with fictional TV chief Tony Hayers, moving from "it's all wine this, wine that" to: "can I shock you? I like wine." Palmer really is a self-promoting feckless irritant at the best of times.

New boy Lassana Diarra shows us his astute reading of the game with his juxtaposition of Chelsea's style of play with ours. Funny he mentions the long balls now seeing as for the first time in many years we actually play with a target man ourselves. A strange comment about not playing enough games for Chelsea too, in light of the fact that he's started one Carling Cup tie for us. Still, as long as he's happy...

Fitness news sees Eduardo and Tomas Rosicky set to play for their countries over the weekend- expect the latter to splinter his ass-bone in the process. Until then, here's yet another bloody match report for those bored Gooners out there...

Big Willy Gone Flaccid?

I know I wasn't the only Arsenal fan to get a bit narked by William Gallas' persistent press releases last season; bemoaning the club's lack of ambition and the inexperience of the young players. However, since becoming captain his media approach seems to have changed drastically- and then I saw the headline "Arsenal Skipper Gallas Says Sorry To The Gunners For Attitude Problem (I would like to say sorry to you for all those capitals- my pedantic approach to quoting overrules all)." Finally Willy G has seen the error of his ways and no longer will he criticise the club's policies I thought. Wrongly.

"Sometimes I have been okay, but other times I have been very unhappy. Because of that I know it might have been difficult for the rest of the group because I wasn't always smiling when I was in the dressing room. I have experienced it before. The first week or so you can deal with it, but three, four, five weeks later? It's hard to keep smiling. So I want to say sorry to all the players and all the staff."

So, he isn't sorry for being an outspoken morale-damaging gobshite last season, he's apologising because he's sad at hurting his groin. Poor old Billy Willy. However, as strange and self-absorbed a character he is, he's irrefutably a magnificent player and the sooner he returns the better- assuming he doesn't pick up a fractured ego for France whilst Domenech manages to play him for 240 minutes.

Nicklas Bendtner's comments have once again been utterly sensationalised by all and sundry- "Bendtner considers options" and "Bendtner could move on" a couple of examples. What he actually said was:

"It's obvious that I don't want to sit on the bench for two years," he told Danish newspaper BT.

"There might be problems with my form in a few months, but I might also get more playing time. I will stay at Arsenal to fight for my chance and in case it doesn't work, I will join a different club permanently."

So if he doesn't make it at Arsenal then he'll move clubs. Riveting stuff. I get the impression that Bendtner's a bit of a cunt, but that's exactly what sets him apart- he's probably the only selfish goalscorer in the squad.

Apparently we've been ordered to pay £2.3m for Fran Merida to Barcelona, but hopefully we'll give them Jens and a couple of penny sweets a la Gio and Fabregas. In wonderfully predictable fashion Micah Richards has responded to the spin on his comments about being an Arsenal fan as a kid, Hlebby-baby mourns the fact that Belarus may never qualify for anything and Tomas Rosicky's weekly injury soap opera continues with a visit to the shoe-shop for our perpetually-crocked Czech international.

Emmanuel Adebayor discusses his relationship with his striker partner Robin Van Persie on the club website- I have to confess that I doubted Ade as a first-team regular, and have been wonderfully surprised with his form so far. I'd wager the majority of us would have had Van Persie down as our leading striker, but that's a contentious statement now. Also our reserves triumphed 1-0 at Chelsea, with Kieran Gibbs getting the winner.

As the drabness of the international week drags on, re-live Cesc's tackle on Repka by reading through the match report below. Until tomorrow.

Hello World!

After much contemplation (one cigarette’s worth) I decided to stick with the post title. First blog post and all that. It’s probably the most unfathomable time to start a blog about the Arsenal during the tedium of yet another week of internationals, but I intend to bulk up the likely dearth of interesting stories with some old match reports that I’ve penned.

Having said that, there are a surprising amount of topics that are newsworthy today. A wonderful bit of hyperbolic spin sees the Daily Mail promote Carlos Tevez’s claim that Arsenal have “no chance of winning the title.” Of course what he actually said is something nowhere near that sensational- simply that he sees his teams as favourites for the championship and the Champion’s League, and that “We will show that and prove it to our opponents when we play them in key matches this season.” Perhaps you will Carlos, but I seem to remember a team last season that did exactly that, yet dropped numerous points against the lower sides and eventually finished fourth. Patrice Evra continues the theme, with a shattering and somewhat Partridge-esque insight: “I don’t think we will know about this Arsenal team this season until they lose. That’s the important time when you look to see how a team reacts. It is how you bounce back.” So nice to be subject of their interviews again isn’t it?

Words from the blue side of Manchester too, Micah Richards once again referring to his schoolboy Goonerdom. Terrific player and was very impressive in the game against us at the Emirates earlier this season, but he seems utterly committed to City and plays in areas we have more than adequate cover for- assuming Arsene doesn’t see him as our next world-class goalkeeper or something.

We’ve also been linked with a Norwegian goalkeeper, who goes through the usual motions about wanting to go “if they offer me a trial.” No story there then- although I’m sure it will instigate plentymuch more speculation regarding Jens Lehmann. Even more tenuous speculation has also linked us with Miguel Veloso of Sporting Lisbon- yet another central midfielder we’re clearly so desperate for. The team has also set up a new China-based website.

Kolo Toure exuded a more realistic approach in his recent interview with the club website. “Last season was much different. When we were 1-0 down and the other team was playing better than us it was really difficult for us to come back. Now we are patient and when we have the chance to score we do it and that’s good.” A strange statement when you consider that Sunderland looked dangerous after pulling back from two behind- more akin to the team of last season , even though we claimed the three points. However an Arsenal win should never have been in doubt and the team’s performance was lacklustre at times. Thankfully our first tie after the international break is at home to Bolton- an early goal there should put us in good stead for the real tests that follow, namely Liverpool away and the visit of Manchester United.

That’s all for now- if the tepid monotony of internationals bores you as much as it does me, then have a look at the match reports I’ll be posting over the next few days and re-live our excellent starts. Laters blooners.